Lately most of my after-twelve-staring-at-the-ceiling sessions revolve around "I don't know what to do, what am I going to do?"
Mostly aimed at my career, but pretty much life in general. Even though the only thing I've dreamed about the last few years is having a little one, I'm so painstakingly aware that everything is going to change when this little nugget comes. My time management will have to change drastically, no lurking around on Pinterest/Instagram/Facebook and calling it "Research". The available time to work will not be the same, how am I going to balance working (at home, probably with some Disney movie screaming in the background) and being present in my child's life? Things are going to have to change. I will have to get more focused. Make lists and plan better. And then the staring sessions start all over, "what am I going to do? What should I change, where, how?" Because it's kinda hard being prepared for something when you don't really know what you are preparing for...
The worst part about being constantly worried and over-analyzing everything is, NOTHING GETS DONE! I'm sitting on top of 7 649 "almost finished" projects", a to-do list that I had to divide in freakin chapters (I kid you not) and just a general feeling of being overwhelmed. And the baby isn't even here yet.
The last few weeks I've had such beautiful eye-opening moments from strangers, that after this morning I actually feel like I know where I'm going. I think I can breath again.
It started with the hilarious Chè from indieBerries, talking about how annoyed she is with people stealing each other's work. She challenged everyone to start "Making Shit Yourself". It stirred something in me because I vaguely remembered a time that I made stuff (not lists) just for the fun of it. Being all creative and that. I wondered what happened that made me stop? Why do I have ten million ideas but I don't make any of them? When did the to-do list become more important?
Then Sam from Samantha Kelly Photography posted an entry on Instagram, talking about how she's unplugging from Instagram. For a lot of reasons, but the one that struck a cord with me is she wants to stop"chasing the insatiable need for external approval and validation, comparing herself to others". When I read it, I thought: "Oh I don't have that problem, I love Instagram, I'm so inspired, I love seeing all the pretty things, I don't compare myself to others!" But it kept nagging. Something kept asking me: "Are you sure? Isn't that why you've stopped making things? Isn't that why you think the to-do list is more important than just doing what you love?"
I told her that God is stirring something in her heart and it is going to be awesome! The moment I typed it, I thought that it's probably meant more for me than for her. God is stirring me to question a few things in my life.
I miss making stuff, for the pure purpose of making stuff. I miss being creative and not wonder how I'm going to make money out of it. I miss being present when I'm with my loved-ones instead of thinking: I've got to get home and get to work. Because that is how Sew & Such started. For the love of making stuff. Even though I need structure like a fish needs water, it doesn't help if I spend most of my time making lists and looking for new inspiration and comparing myself to others. The funny part is the more I make lists, the less I do, so it doesn't help if I put my passions aside because I'm only doing the things that'll look more impressive on my facebook page or Instagram feed. I'm tired of being overwhelmed and anxious because I think I have to perform to a certain standard. Especially since the only one creating that standard is me.
So yes, things are going to have to change. I'm thinking, maybe it's time to unplug a few things. Maybe it's time to put down the phone and the to-do list and just make stuff. Stop worrying about competing in the rat race. Start with all those fabrics I've kept aside for the baby's quilt. Be excited that things are going to change.
A new season, new inspiration, not from Instagram or Pinterest or Facebook but from my own creativity. Start being present and flexible now so that when Baby comes in 20 weeks, I've already adjusted to my new normal.